The Adventures of Hermione, Ginny and Lily:
by Hepsa
Summary: ... When Hogwarts Goes Wrong. Aren't you sick of all fanfiction being about boring characters such as Harry, Ron, Snape and Draco? Don't you want to hear more about the Hogwarts girls? What completely random things have they been up to?
1. It All Started When

**1: It all started when…**

Disclaimer: We don't own any of the characters, including but not limited to Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger, Lily Evans and Professor Slughorn. We do own Gnarltish though. If there actually is a band called Gnarltish, apologies, but we now own you. Ta!

Full Summary: Confused? And you haven't even read the story yet! Well, never mind, so are we, and we wrote it. It's very strange, written by two people with very little to do, and too many strange ideas. No time-frame, no plot, just a lot of weird things happening in and out of Hogwarts' ancient, magic-saturated walls. It may offend those of a serious disposition.

Hello, and welcome to The Adventures of Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley and Lily Evans: When Hogwarts Goes Wrong! We hope you enjoy the show. And the curtains rise...

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It all started when Ginny Weasley, near the end of her fifth year, bought a laptop and started reading fanfiction. 

'Ooh! A lovely fanfic with fluff and bunnies and cute cute cute things!' Being a very cynical person, she considered this for a while. 'I think I'll read something else.'

As she searched through the realms of fanfiction, Hermione came in behind her.

'Ginny, have you seen my copy of Hogwarts: A Hist –'

Before she could finish, and we could all find out which book she meant, there was a suddenly flash of light. Ginny and Hermione watched as a girl of their age with red hair and green, almond-shaped eyes, just like Harry Potter's, appeared.

'Lily Potter!' gasped Ginny and Hermione.

'What?' said the girl.

'Are you… Lily?'

'I'm Lily Evans. Why?'

'You've time travelled!'

'What?'

'It's the only possible explanation!' said Hermione excitedly, 'You've gone through space and time, and… ended up here. Welcome.'

'Is it nice here?'

'Eh. It does.'

So then Hermione and Lily became best friends, because they both hated rule-breaking, of course. So anyway, Hermione, Lily and Ginny were hanging out by Ginny's laptop, reading fanfiction, when the WiFi cut out.

'Oh! That was a good fic as well!' sighed Ginny, but she shut down her laptop.

'What shall we do now?' asked Hermione.

'Um… Have a really wild disco in the school hall?' suggested Lily.

'Great idea!' agreed Ginny, so they rounded up all the students, and they were having a great time when they noticed Dumbledore, who was supposed to be the mega-cool GHOST DJ! wasn't there. Ginny couldn't help wondering why, but then she got distracted by Lily falling down a hole.

'That wasn't there in my day!' she commented, and then Ginny and Hermione waited until she levitated herself up, defeating all the rules of magic. When she finally arrived at the top of the hole again, she was breathless and excited.

'You'll never guess who I met down there!' she yelled, 'It was Dumbledore in a ghostly form! He was napping!'

Hermione and Ginny oohed and aahed, until Lily caught sight of Professor Slughorn.

'OMG!' she squealed, in a fangirly way, 'He was here in my time! I've now decided I like him!'

'Him? EW!' thought Ginny and Hermione, but they just nodded wisely.

'I'll ask him to be DJ!' said Lily excitedly, and then she ran over to him and started talking to him. Ginny and Hermione watched her, and then Professor Slughorn exploded, so they ran over.

'What happened?' asked Ginny.

'He exploded before I could ask him to DJ!' sighed Lily.

'Looks like we'll have to find another DJ then.'

'I hope the new one plays lots of Gnarltish!' said Lily.

'What?' said Hermione, crinkling up her nose in confusion.

'You know, Gnarltish?' Hermione and Ginny's faces were blank. 'The greatest band ever?' Still blank. 'SURELY you've heard of them!'

'Er, no, we haven't,' said Ginny, shrugging, so Lily burst into song. It was really dated (in a bad way) and weird.

'OK,' said Ginny, 'Now I know why they're not around anymore. Anyway…'

She was cut off by Lily screaming and falling through the ground again. Ginny and Hermione looked at each other, shrugged, and jumped into the hole too.

'Where are we?' asked Hermione, pushing some of her bushy hair out of her face. A strange (but familiar) voice replied,

'I am Professor Slughorn! Do my Otionspay questions, because I am a Rofessorpay!'

Lily sighed happily, Hermione asked him why he was speaking Pig Latin, and Ginny started doing the questions, before saying she didn't understand it. There was total confusion, until Professor Slughorn exploded again.

'I wish he'd stop doing that,' sighed Lily, and the others stared at her.

'Why?' asked Hermione. Ginny was still hard at work with the Potions.

'I… just… can't… do it!' she cried, ripping up her parchment. Hermione sighed, fixed the parchment, and started doing it for her, being the homework-loving genius that she is, and Lily helped as well, until Professor Slughorn appeared again.

'Time to hand in the homework, girls,' he said, grinning, and so they handed in the homework and he started to mark it, until Hermione yelled,

'Go DJ for us! We need a DJ!'

'Hee hee,' said Lily, sighing in a highly girly way.

'I didn't understand the homework, Professor S.,' whined Ginny, but then, Professor Slughorn, who had ignored Lily and Ginny and only heard Hermione, Apparated them all to the Great Hall.

They all discoed wildly, as the whole school had turned up, and Professor Slughorn was DJing, because he had his DJing kit with him. It was great fun, but then Hermione, Lily and Ginny all ingested dangerously high amounts of sugar, and were hyper. This was when Pansy Parkinson turned up, with a Muggle gun, and shot at Lily. This didn't make sense, but Hermione and Ginny knocked Lily to the floor to protect her. The bullet bounced off the walls towards Professor Slughorn's DJ kit! Everyone gasped as he pulled out the Potions bottle he carried everywhere with him, and it seemed in slow motion as the bullet ricocheted off it.

'Wow,' said Lily, admiringly, 'He's so cool. Oh, and nice.'

Hermione and Ginny ignored this. This was when Voldemort, who was outside, sent a curse at Hermione. She screamed and shot a curse back, but it hit the still bouncing bullet, which killed Professor Slughorn. He crumpled to the ground, and never moved again.

'NOOOOOOO!' screamed Lily.

'He's still alive in your time,' volunteered Ginny, a deeply optimistic and uncynical person.

'That's so mean! You KILLED him!' continued Lily. She burst into floods of tears, and, yelling 'I hate you' over her shoulder, ran over to Professor Slughorn, who was rotting. Ginny and Lily had a fight because of Lily being so mean to Hermione, and Hermione cried, accidentally getting tears on her favourite book. Lily glared at her, and Ginny said,

'Do you care more about a Potions Professor or your friends?'

Lily contemplated this, and replied, 'You killed him.' She committed suicide, which ruined the party atmosphere somewhat, as well creating a weird time paradox thingie, messing up life as they knew it. Shocked and horrified that something so innocent could have gone so badly wrong, Hermione ran over to the two corpses. When she got there, she used her Time Turner to go back in time to where Lily arrived, and where we shall resume our story.

* * *

**Coming up next time:**  
Lavender Brown gets a new boyfriend!  
Will Harry and Ginny get back together?  
And why, oh why, is Professor Flitwick so scared of Trevor?

This story was brought to you by the fabulous people of Hepsa&Larka Incorporated! Clap for us. Do.


	2. The Choir

**2: The Choir**

Disclaimer: We don't own any Harry Potter characters, but we do own the lucky coat hanger.

* * *

Hermione, Ginny and Lily decided to join the school choir. This was unfortunately on the day of a concert, and they needed a toad between three to hold, so they borrowed Trevor off Neville. They took the Floo to London, to a very big Muggle concert hall. Hermione was slightly disconcerted that they would be holding toads and singing about magic in front of Muggles, but when she conveyed these views to Professor Flitwick, the conductor, he said not to worry. 

So they were at the hall, and everyone had to get into the lift. Unlike the lift that Mr. Weasley had recently installed at the Burrow, it was tiny, and everyone was squished like in a tin of sardines. In fact, it was exactly like in a tin of sardines, as everyone except Hermione, Lily and Ginny turned into sardines. This wasn't good, and there was much elbowing of toes and treading on of ribs. The ride lasted a minute, and everyone was looking forward to getting off. The doors slid aside and they saw Trevor.

'AAAAARGH!' screamed Professor Flitwick, who, as a sardine, was scared of frogs, toads or amphibians in general. He wasn't the only one: pandemonium and general chaos ensued. In the confusion, Ginny, who was hungry, ate Luna Lovegood.

'Hmm, delicious,' she said, licking her lips. Influenced by the Luna vibes going to her brain, she gasped, 'Oh no! She might be full of carrots – poisonous to the sardine! My Great-Aunt Gertrude died of a carrot overdose! Alack that I should follow in her footsteps so very early in my short life!'

Hermione managed to calm Ginny down by saying, 'This is _too_ weird. Hey, what happened to Trevor?'

They all heard a massive scream, followed by disturbing smoochy muffled noises. Slightly nervously, they turned. At the back of the lift was a truly horrific sight.

'OH MY GOD!' they yelled. It was Lavender and Trevor, snogging. Lavender blushed, and ran off to the laughter of Hermione, Lily and Ginny.

'Funny,' said Lily.

'Yeah,' agreed the other two.

'Oh my God, look!' said Ginny, still influenced by the Luna vibes, 'We've left behind our lucky coat hanger! Without it the show will be fated to disaster! Oh no!'

Although the mysteries of who had screamed, who had stolen the coat hanger, and why Lavender was there had not yet been solved, Lily smiled mysteriously and disappeared with a pop.

'Where did she Apparate to?'

Lavender appeared. 'She went back to her own time zone. Nyah hah!'

'Oh no!' gasped Hermione, 'Let's summon a blood relative to fix this problem!'

She cast a complicated summoning spell and Harry Potter appeared. He was in a bad mood, because he had had to break up with Ginny.

'PISS OFF AND LEAVE ME THE BLOODY &#!& ALONE!' he yelled, and disappeared again.

'Bloody useless bastard,' muttered Ginny darkly, 'He dumped me!'

Lily appeared, looking slightly frazzled, but blissful.

'You guys are made for each other,' she sighed, and, not knowing she was fiddling with her own son's love life, she arranged a date for Ginny and Harry.

'What are you doing here? Lavender said you went back to your own time,' asked Hermione.

'You didn't believe that &#!&?#! COW, did you?' said Lily, snorting, and letting Hermione know where Harry got his temper from, 'Because that was some Death Eater in Polyjuice Potion that got sent back to my old time.'

'That was a Death Eater in Polyjuice Potion?'

'Yes,' said Lily, and she burst into flames.

'OK, what the&#!& is going on?' swore Hermione, giving into peer pressure, as everyone else was doing it. It was perfectly understandable, as she _had _just seen her best friend spontaneously combust, and was rather shell-shocked and dumbfounded. She composed herself, Summoned a fire extinguisher, and tried to put Lily out, but only ended up setting her skirt alight by accident.

'GINNY!' she yelled desperately, and her friend turned around from the corner, where she and Harry had been snogging, as they were back together.

'Geez, I leave you alone for two minutes…' she grumbled, but she put out both her friends. Lily and Hermione thanked her.

'Hey, Lily,' commented Ginny, 'I set you up with someone.'

'Oh, good!' said Lily brightly, 'That's great!'

'What about me?' complained Hermione.

'You can go out with Ron,' said Ginny, as if it was the obvious thing in the world, which, of course, it actually is.

'What? Ron? No!' said Hermione very quickly – too quickly.

'Whatever, Hermione,' said Lily, even though she didn't know who Ron was, 'Ginny, who's my date?'

'Professor Flitwick,' said Ginny, grinning.

'WHAT?' screeched Lily.

'Or would you prefer Snape?'

'If it has to be a teacher, I'd rather it be Slu–'

'Don't even go there,' interrupted Luna, rolling her eyes. The other three looked at her, confused.

'Ginny ate you,' said Hermione.

'Your point?' replied Luna, raising an eyebrow. Hermione was still confused, but Ginny and Lily seemed to accept this as an answer, so she did too.

One of the sardines flapping about on the floor (they thought it might have been a third-year) suddenly suggested, in an irritated way, 'Let's actually leave the lift!'

'No,' said Hermione, Luna, Ginny and Lily. Then Lavender appeared, holding the coat hanger, and turned everyone back into humans.

'It's time to go on!' said Professor Flitwick, holding his arm out to Lily, who declined.

So the Hogwarts School Choir went on and sang, with Lavender waving at them, with the coat hanger, from the audience. Everyone muffed up the singing and Professor Flitwick yelled at them.

* * *

This is making fun of the school choir in the Harry Potter movies, by the way, if you didn't get it. Woot. Also Harry/Ginny getting back together. Also, it's just weird.

**Coming up next time:**  
Shameless product placement!  
A lead on what has happened to Snape!  
The three heroines become four!  
And just what is going on with Professor Vector and Professor Slughorn?

This is still brought to you by Hepsa&Larka Incorporated, but we have an affiliate: Lamia. So it's all three of us. Yes. Although she doesn't want to admit being connected to this story, she did help write it, so hah.


	3. The Arithmancy Test

**3: The Arithmancy Test**

Disclaimer: We don't own any of the usual stuff, but we do own Diet Coke. Well, a couple bottles of it, at least.

* * *

After the concert, everyone was waiting around as the Floo was broken. They had all drifted off into friendship groups, with Luna humming to herself in the corner, and Professor Flitwick watching the rest of the concert, the bit which didn't involve Hogwarts. Hermione, Ginny and Lily had gone up to the café to escape the reams of people swarming around the gift shop, and all its fabulous Muggle contraptions. Hermione was thirsty, and so she bought her favourite Muggle drink. 

'Oooh, what's that?' asked Ginny as Hermione sat down at the table with her newly bought bottle.

'Diet Coke,' replied Hermione, opening it.

'Oh, Diet Coke!' said Lily, 'Back in the day, I used to drink that occasionally!'

'Oh,' said Hermione pouring herself a glass. Ginny and Lily both raised their eyebrows and grinned suggestively at her, in an attempt to get the Diet Coke. She looked at them, and closed the bottle.

'Oh, Hermione!' moaned Ginny, while Summoning a cup, much to the confusion of the Muggles in the vicinity, 'Give me some!'

'Ple-eas-se!' whined Lily. Hermione sighed, and looked as if she was going to relent, but instead she snapped,

'You pair of scavenging cows. You always borrow my stuff! Well, I am having none of it anymore, you mark my words! I am never buying a Diet Coke again!'

'Oh,' said Ginny. After a pause, she added, brightly, 'Can we have yours then?'

'No. I should have said: I will however drink this one.'

Ginny pouted, and Lily went and bought an egg, cress and mayonnaise sandwich, and threatened to strike up a conversation with Professor Slughorn, who had come to watch, and was now mixing all the drinks in from the vending machines and seeing what happened.

'You're completely adorable,' Ginny suddenly said in a monotone voice.

'Yeah, you're so sweet,' agreed Hermione, with the same quality (or lack of it) to her voice. This confused Lily greatly, so she forgot about Professor Slughorn for a while, and just ate her sandwich, looking bewildered. This being the result the others had hoped for, they started doing their own thing. Ginny was daydreaming about Harry, and Hermione was drinking her second Diet Coke, as she had decided her plan not to have anymore was a stupid plan. She had also shared out her first Diet Coke between Ginny and Lily, as she felt sorry for them, Ginny for never having had Diet Coke, and Lily for being stuck in a different time than what she was used to.

Lily finished her sandwich and sipped demurely on her Diet Coke, while Ginny slurped her drink. Some came out of her nose, ruining her beautiful white choir robes. She didn't care, but merely laughed. Hermione, squicked out by this, turned to Lily.

'Go and invite Professor Slughorn over! Anything but the Diet Coke!'

Ginny snapped out of her laughter and looked sharply at Hermione.

'You don't _mean_ that, do you?'

Hermione considered this, while Lily looked ready to bounce up and fetch Professor Slughorn at any second.

'You're right, Ginny, I don't mean it.'

Lily sighed sadly and dramatically, and moaned, 'Are you sure?'

'Yes,' said Hermione definitively.

'I can honestly say I whole heartedly agree, my dear Hermione,' chipped in Ginny, 'Slughorn is awful and ugly and, well… Slughorn!'

'I hate you guys!' said Lily, 'He's LOVELY!'

She took out an empty potions bottle and stared at it for a while. Hermione and Ginny exchanged looks, and sipped their Diet Coke, until Professor Flitwick then came in, the concert having finished. Everyone took the Floo back to Hogwarts, including Professor Slughorn, much to Lily's pleasure. Suddenly Lavender came up to the three heroines, looking anguished.

'We have an Arithmancy test!' she squealed. 'NOW!'

'Do you even take Arithmancy?' asked Ginny suspiciously.

'I might, I don't know!' said Lavender. 'But TEST!'

Hermione screamed. Considering all the recent events – with Lily, and the choir – she had forgotten to revise. She had also thought the test had been cancelled because of said recent events, for some reason, but it had obviously not been.

'Don't worry, Hermione,' said Ginny. 'We'll borrow Harry's invisibility cloak and help you with the test!'

'Do you even take Arithmancy?' asked Lavender. 'And you're not in our year!'

'And?' replied Ginny, rolling her eyes. 'Lily does, doesn't she?'

'Erm, yeah, whatever,' agreed Lily. 'I'll figure it out.'

'Girls! Come in!' came Professor Vector's voice.

As the sixth-years filed into the Arithmancy classroom, the thought on all their minds was, '_Please save me!'_ It wasn't just Hermione who hadn't revised. In fact, had anyone? Hmm… let me think about that… maybe… NO! Everyone had some notes in their hands, trying desperately to learn how to tell which number meant what. Unfortunately, as soon as they came in, they saw that Professor Vector was pinning things up over the helpful charts that were always on the wall, which had been everyone's only hope. Hermione sat down, desperately trying to revise, when she heard Lily's voice from nearby.

'Psst,' she said. 'We're here now.'

'We'll help you,' added Luna.

'Why are you there? And where's Ginny?' asked Hermione, confused.

'I'm now your friend,' explained Luna. 'And Ginny's right here, she just didn't have a line.'

'Oh. Right.'

They all bopped their heads for a while, until suddenly the Invisiblity Cloak was pulled off and they heard a strange voice coming from the vicinity of their feet.

'Cheater!' yelled the voice, which turned out to be Trevor.

'Huh?' said almost everyone, too confused to make note of the fact that Lily, Luna and Ginny weren't supposed to be there.

'You can talk?' said Hermione.

'Yes, of course,' said Luna and Trevor at the same time. Luna continued, 'All amphibians can speak English. It's a well known fact.'

'Cool,' said Lily brightly. 'But why are you here?'

'Just to amuse myself by watching Neville look for me,' shrugged Trevor. Suddenly they heard a sigh. Everyone turned to Lavender, who was looking longingly at her past love. Suddenly Trevor and Lavender jumped at each other, snogging passionately. Our four heroines were again grossed out. They shuddered, and then Ginny said, as a joke,

'You shouldn't kiss unless you're married, or maybe engaged!'

Lavender suddenly stopped the kissing, with a strange look on her face, and said, 'Sorry, Trevor, but… I'm married!'

'What? To who?' asked Professor Vector excitedly.

'&#!# off,' snapped Ginny, not even bothering to turn around.

'What about the test?'

'GO AWAY!' yelled the rest of the class, and Professor Vector went back to pinning up things, such as sexy lingerie.

'Anyway, Lavender, who are you married to?' asked Luna.

'I'm married to… Snape!'

'SNAPE?' yelled the whole class.

'But he's my fiancé!' said Professor Vector. Suddenly, from the direction of the door, they heard the words 'hey sexy', and someone walked in. It was Professor Slughorn, waving to Professor Vector.

'NOOOOO!' yelled Lily.

'Are you married to Lavender Brown, my Slug-Bug?' said Professor Vector, poking him.

'What?' said Professor Slughorn.

'I'm married to Snape,' volunteered Lavender.

'Oh, sorry, misheard,' said Professor Vector, and she wandered off with her Slug-Bug, forgetting the test. No one celebrated, because they had forgotten it too. Instead, all of them except for Lily, who was sobbing, turned their attention to Lavender.

'Are you really married to Snape, Lavender?' asked Luna.

'Yes,' sighed Lavender.

'Then you know where he is?' said Hermione hopefully.

'Come to think of it, no, I don't,' replied Lavender, looking confused.

'That's because you're not really married to Snape,' said Trevor, 'It was me, in a human disguise. You see, it's easier to snog if we're both humans.'

'Oh, Trev-Trev, you sweetie!' squealed Lavender, and then Trevor turned into Snape and they kissed again. Lily was still sobbing, and ignoring Lavender and Snape-Trevor.

'It's just… NOOO! He's… engaged!' she wailed.

'It's a good thing,' muttered Ginny to Hermione. Luna, meanwhile, was watching Lavender and Snape-Trevor with amusement.

'Oh my!' she said.

* * *

There is a plot pending. A long, slow-moving plot filled with randomness. 

**Coming up next time:**

They get another, real lead on Snape!

They get a lead on Voldemort!

And just what are the mysterious coffee bombs?

**Review replies:**

Becka Klein: There will be recurring themes, and a (strange) plot, but we need to set the scene and introduce some highly complicated concepts first.

sdfg: Ooh. That sounds like a nasty fate. Here is an update; are we safe from your sardines now?

Hepsa and Larka (and Lamia: deny it not, Lamia, _deny it not_!)


	4. Coffee Bombs and Fish

**4: Coffee Bombs and Fish**

Disclaimer: Our only possessions are our strange, strange minds.

* * *

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

There was chaos. The school's supplies of Firewhiskey had run out, and the professors, in need of a drink, were doing strange things. Professor Vector had taken an overdose (175 bars) of chocolate, Remus Lupin, who was there, trying to wipe everyone's memory so that he could get his job back, had bought 70 bottles of Diet Coke, and Professor Slughorn was trying to create a fake version of Firewhiskey in his lab.

What they didn't know was that Severus Snape had stolen the Firewhiskey to use in a potion to make some weapons for which ever side he felt like giving them to. Today he was feeling evil, rather than good, so he was going to bomb Hogwarts! Would anyone discover his evil plan? Well, someone was about to get a clue: Professor Slughorn, when searching through his potions ingredients, had noticed that the coffee was missing.

"Oh no! Coffee and Firewhiskey make coffee bombs! Only one person would be evil enough and know enough about potions to make them: Severus Snape!" he said, and so he ran up to the Staff Room and announced it to everyone. But then he added, "The next Slug Club meeting is on Thursday" so no one payed any attention to him. Then he got hit by a coffee bomb and exploded.

"Slughorn is gone!" commented Hagrid. "And what's that brown liquid on the ground?"

Then Lily, Hermione, Ginny and Luna, who had been spying through the keyhole, burst into the room. Lily was distraught because Slughorn had exploded, and also because of his pending marriage. She ran to the coffee and tasted it tentatively, much to the disgust of everyone in the room.

"Tea?" she said finally. "It's tea! Have a taste, Hermione!"

Hermione, wincing, bent down and had a taste. She thought about it for a second and then said, "That's not tea! It's coffee!"

"Coffee! The next best thing after Firewhiskey! Hooray!" yelled the professors.

So then a disco started, because they were all in a good mood. All the male professors were limboing, and all the female professors, as well as Lily, Ginny, Hermione and Luna, were arm-jiving. Suddenly a coffee bomb hit the stereo and it disappeared. Most of the professors started to cry, and so the four heroines had to comfort them, with lots of hugging and psychiatrist like techniques. Finally all the professors started babbling incoherently.

"Oh my!" gasped Professor Vector.

"SLUG CLUB!" yelled Slughorn.

"Woot," said Professor McGonagall.

"Squee," added Ghost!Dumbledore, and then they started singing karaoke, despite the lack of a backing track, or a microphone.

"Marry me!" yelled out Professor Anderson, the Ancient Runes teacher.

"No!" replied everyone, except for Professor Arthur, the Muggle Studies teacher, who said, "Yes!"

They blinked at each other and then kissed and went off to get married. This effectively shut up all the other professors as they watched their colleagues' backs receding into the distance.

"Didn't see that one coming," commented Professor Flitwick, and then, as a coffee bomb fell onto Professor Sinistra, Luna asked,

"Who do we think is doing this?"

"Well, Slughorn thought it might be Snape," said Lupin.

"Snape! Of course!" chorused the heroines, and then they looked out the window to see another coffee bomb shooting towards them from the Shrieking Shack. "The Shrieking Shack! Let's go!"

The four heroines ran down the stairs and through the building, going down many secret passages and even more non-secret ones. They soon arrived at the Shrieking Shack, having slipped under the Whomping Willow, and came in on Snape, poised to throw another coffee bomb.

"Snape!" yelled Ginny, pointing at him dramatically. Snape froze, like a hedgehog caught in headlights, and then used his emergency super disguise potion, which he kept in his pocket, to be in disguise, and Apparated away before anyone could distinguish what this disguise was, although there were many theories. Luna thought it was as a Crumple-Horned Snorkack, Ginny thought it was as someone invisible, Lily thought it was sad that Slughorn had exploded, and didn't care, as she didn't know Snape's full history, and Hermione thought it was as a girl.

"Don't be stupid, Hermione!" said the others, but, as it turned out, Hermione was right. However, they didn't know that yet, and instead found the coffee bomb antidote, decaf, and brought it back to Hogwarts to use on Slughorn, Sinistra and the stereo. This cheered Lily up considerably, as Slughorn was alive again, and everyone, not only her, rejoiced. The disco was restarted, with the male professors and the female professors swapping roles, until Professor Vector looked at her watch.

"We're late for our wedding, Slug Bug!" she exclaimed. "Let's go!"

So the couple hurried off to go to their wedding. Lily burst into tears, and although her friends tried to comfort her, there was little they could do. Her heart was effectively broken and it would be impossible to salvage it. However, Luna, Ginny and Hermione were soon distracted by Professor Binns falling out of the window and into the lake.

"Are you all right, Professor?" yelled Luna, looking horror-stricken. Ginny was laughing shamelessly and loudly, and Hermione was puzzled.

"How can a ghost fall into a lake?" she wondered.

"Honestly, Hermione, you know nothing!" chastised Professor McGonagall. "It's because of the simple law of Osmotic-Ecto-Lako-Fallo-Itis."

"Oh," said Hermione, who didn't really understand, but vowed to look it up later. However, at the moment she had to worry about Professor Binns, who was worryingly still.

"PROFESSOR BINNS!" yelled Luna, Ginny and Hermione, with all their might. There was no response.

"He's probably finally kicked the bucket," said Lily sourly.

"Don't be silly, Lily!" said Ghost!Dumbledore. "He's merely morphing into a fish."

"_What?_" gasped Hermione.

"Muto-Transfigury-Dimensionitis!" explained McGonagall, rolling her eyes along with everyone else. Hermione just nodded again, still completely mystified. But that didn't matter, and she went down to the lake, along with everyone else, to find a ghostly fish in the water.

"Professor?" asked Luna quietly. "Can you hear me? Two fishy-things for yes, three for no." Professor Binns flapped about a bit. "I'll take that as a yes then. Anyway –"

However, Luna was interrupted by Professor Slughorn appearing, panting for breath and wearing a suit. Lily gasped in distress, and then Slughorn blurted out, "The wedding's off!"

"YES!" screeched Lily. Slughorn didn't seem to notice, however, and continued,

"_Professor_ _Vector_ and I were waiting for Professors Anderson and Arthur to finish their wedding, when suddenly there was a flash of lightning, and my fiancée turned into Voldemort! It turned out she/he/it'd been Voldemort all along and was putting the Imperius Curse on me to marry her/him/it! I don't know why though. I'll go and get Harry Potter and his friend Ron – it'll give them something to do."

He walked off. Lily was doing a victory dance, Luna was still talking to Professor Binns, and was turning him back into a human ghost, and Ginny and Hermione were looking at each other anxiously. Professor Vector was Voldemort? And she/he/it had been trying to control Slughorn, for some reason? This was worrying. Suddenly Luna gave out a shrill giggle.

"You're right!" she said happily, talking to Professor Binns. "Pink _does _make the boys wink!"

She whipped out a sparkly pink hair tie and quickly tied her hair back. She took out her wand and charmed her clothes pink, and then did a twirl. All the Hogwarts boys, except for the Slytherins, the first-years, Harry and Ron, appeared and winked exaggeratedly at her. She giggled again. Hermione groaned. This had gotten to be too weird, and so any further adventures would have to wait. Luna had to calm down first.

* * *

**Coming up next time:**

Professor Grubbly-Plank arrives!

Voldemort returns!

And who are the people of the Tribe of DUCK?

**Review replies:**

vegetarians will rule the earth: Thank you! We're glad you like it!

Hepsa and Larka (not Lamia this time... so her denials are valid sometimes. Most of the time, actually, but still.)


	5. The Unfair CoMC Teacher

**5: The Unfair Care Of Magical Creatures Teacher **

Disclaimer: We own Professors Anderson and Arthur, and a computer to type this on, but that's it.

* * *

Ghost!Dumbledore had sent Hagrid on an Order mission, and so Professor Grubbly-Plank was taking over Care Of Magical Creatures lessons. Ginny and Luna headed down to the sixth-year catch-up-on-the-work-you-missed-while-not-studying-Care-of-Magical-Creatures-for-most-of-the-year-but-the-authors-want-you-to-now lesson along with Hermione and Lily, as they had nothing better to do. Grubbly-Plank was there, looking mean.

"I am setting you a long, difficult essay on Fizzledipots, and I shall give you very little help! Due in tomorrow!" she announced. She noticed Ginny and Luna, and added, "You girls had better do it too!"

"But classes ended ages ago!" protested Hermione. "I don't even know why we're still at school! Or doing this lesson!"

"And generally… _what_? No!" added Ginny.

Grubbly-Plank glared at them sourly.

"Yes, or you shall be punished!" she yelled, and then she stormed into Hagrid's cabin, which she had taken over, and slammed the door with a loud 'creak'. Everyone broke into muttering, with general sentiments of hatred and anger floating around.

"I have an idea!" announced Lily. She stood up on top of a convenient tree stump so as to address the crowd. Everyone looked at her expectantly. "Well, _basically_, let's not do the essay!"

Everyone started to celebrate, until someone yelled, "Wait! We'll be punished!"

"She can't harm us!" added Ginny confidently.

"She's only one person and there are lots of us!" said Luna matter-of-factly.

"All right then!" said the unnamed student, and everyone headed back into the castle. Hermione was worried about getting in trouble, but her friends soothed her; there was nothing Grubbly-Plank could really do, after all.

Or so they thought.

The four heroines were dreadfully late to the lesson the next day, as Luna had gotten distracted by chatting to Professor Binns, Lily by ogling Professor Slughorn, Ginny by snogging Harry, and Hermione by talking to Ron. After a while, after Ron and Harry left for the lesson, they realised that they needed to go too, and rushed away from their companions, and down towards Hagrid's cabin. They arrived. Grubbly-Plank was freaking out.

"You didn't do your essays? NONE OF YOU?" she bellowed. The rest of the class were swallowing nervously, muttering apologies, or looking around angrily for Luna. The four heroines ducked behind a rock to listen in. Grubbly-Plank whipped out her wand and yelled, "THEN YOU SHALL SUFFER THE DEATH PENALTY!"

"Oh my God, we need to stop her!" squealed the heroines quietly, and they raced back towards the school.

"Who are we going to get?" asked Hermione.

"Er… dunno," said Ginny, shrugging.

"Well then let's head back!" suggested Lily.

"Good idea!" agreed Luna, and the four of them turned around and ran back, but unfortunately Grubbly-Plank had nearly finished her work, and only Harry, Ron, Neville, Seamus, Dean, Ernie MacMillan, Lavender and a few others were still alive. OK, so she hadn't nearly finished. In fact, she hadn't even started. Whatever. Suddenly the heroines saw, running as they had just come from Hogsmeade and forgotten that they could Apparate, George Weasley and a big fat duck.

"We're here to save you!" yelled George.

"What's the duck for?" hissed Ginny as he ran past.

"It's Fred's Animagus form!" replied George, and the Fred-duck started attacking Grubbly-Plank.

Grubbly-Plank screamed in a blood-curdling way and yelled, "I HATE DUCKS!"

"Maybe we can use this to our advantage," said Neville.

"I know! Get Professor Anderson, apparently Ancient Runes involves ducks a lot!" suggested Hannah Abbott.

Everyone agreed, and so the four heroines ran to the staff room. But it was someone no one (well, except for one person) wanted to see who opened the door! It was Slughorn.

"Hey! You're not involved in this!" yelled everyone.

"Oh, yes. I'll go downstairs then," he said, and left.

"He's so nice," said Lily. They went inside, and saw Professor Anderson and his new wife Professor Arthur standing in the corner, looking mysterious.

"We know why you want us," said Professor Arthur.

"We are the people of the tribe of DUCK!" contributed Professor Anderson.

Then they both laughed, for a very long time, like this, "HEEHEEHEEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEE!"

They were very hyper. Warily, the heroines watched them, and then suddenly George Weasley, who had remembered how to Apparate, appeared.

"Be careful!" he yelled. "She found out it was your idea and she's coming for you guys!"

He then disappeared. Lily realised the consequences of her idea, and hurriedly began working on her essay, not wanting to get killed, and Hermione did the same. Ginny and Luna, who weren't even in the class and so didn't care as much (they also weren't completely homework-obsessed, like their friends), knew it was up to them to save everyone from Grubbly-Plank. They decided to beg the tribe of DUCK to help.

"Please help!" said Luna.

"Why should we?" reasoned Professor Anderson. "What will our reward be? HEEEEE!"

"Well…" said Ginny, thinking. "I have some spare Gryffindor robes!"

She shrugged uncertainly. The two professors frowned at her.

"I'm sorry, but that's not really what we're looking for at the moment," began Professor Arthur, but Luna interrupted her.

"Ooh! We can give you packets of sugar to make you even more hyper!"

"Cool! HEEHEEHEE!" agreed the couple, and, as they were also duck Animagi (this was common), they flew off to join Fred-duck in attacking Grubbly-Plank.

After waving until the ducks were gone, Luna and Ginny turned around to tell Hermione and Lily the problem was solved, and came face to face with Grubby-Pank.

"Oh no! We weren't fast enough!" yelled Luna and Ginny.

The thing was, they thought it was Grubbly-Plank, but it was Grubby-Pank, who's a pacifist.

"Lovegood! Weasley! I'm shocked and disappointed! How could you accuse me of something like that?" she said, looking hurt. Ginny squinted at her, and then gasped.

"MERLIN'S BEARD!" she yelled. "You're not a pacifist! You're really Professor Vector! You're Voldemort!"

Then Harry appeared, as he had taken his Apparating test.

"My scar hurts… WHY?" he demanded.

"It's Voldemort!" squealed Luna.

"Oh. Right," said Harry. He turned to Ginny. "Good luck kiss?"

"What about the whole not-letting-Voldemort-know-we're-going-out thing?" whispered Ginny.

"I really need a kiss," he said sheepishly, so Ginny kissed him with great passion. Suddenly a giant coffee bomb fell on all of their heads, and they looked up to see a strange woman who looked weirdly like Snape dropping them out of a hot air balloon.

"Quickly! While they're coffee-drenched!" yelled the women, who they dubbed 'Snapette', and she threw a rope down. Grubby-Pank awkwardly clambered up it, and got in, and the hot air balloon zoomed away.

"Oh no!" said Lily. "They escaped!"

"Ha. I was right about Snape's disguise potion," pointed out Hermione.

"Shut up! Damn you!" muttered the others resentfully. Hermione grinned impishly, and then asked,

"What about the essay?"

The four heroines, along with Harry, rushed over to the window. Grubbly-Plank was sitting, tied up, by Hagrid's hut, looking resentful, with three ducks and George Weasley watching over her.

"I will escape!" she snapped. "I promise you!" Fred-duck took a menacing step forward, and Grubbly-Plank yelled, "Get away from me! NOOO!"

"Well, these two ducks," George gestured to Professors Arthur and Anderson, as ducks, "have kindly offered to guard you. So I doubt you'll be escaping any time soon!" said George happily.

Grubbly-Plank snarled, and the four heroines, Harry, and the rest of the sixth-years rejoiced greatly.

* * *

**Coming up next time:**

What has happened to Parvati since she was taken away?  
What exactly do slugs/sardines/frogs/random creatures do to you?  
And where, oh where,is Trevor?

Hepsa and Larka


	6. Txtspk and, erm, non text speak

**6: Txtspk and, erm, non-text speak**

Disclaimer: We only own the weirdness.

* * *

School had finally broken up, and everyone was happy. Our four heroines were heading to the Burrow, as you do, and so they were waiting for the Hogwarts Express, which was late. They were sitting on the platform, on their trunks, reminiscing about old times.

"Hey, remember back when I went out with Dean?" said Ginny.

"Hey, remember when I pretended to like Cormac McLaggen?" added Hermione.

"And I pretended I had a crush on… um…" said Lily, trying to fit in. As she didn't know he was her son, and he was the only guy she knew in this time, she continued, "Harry?"

"EW!" gasped Hermione, Ginny and Luna.

"That is _so_ gross!" added Luna.

"And you've only been here, like, two weeks! That never happened!" said Ginny, sounding relieved now that she'd figured it out.

"I just wanted to fit in!" said Lily sheepishly.

"Yes, well, _don't_ next time!" said Hermione. There was silence for a while as Lily tried to figure out what was so bad about her and Harry, and the other three tried to get rid of the mental images. Then they heard someone come up to them.

"Who's coming? I see no one," said Lavender.

"Oh, hi, Lavender," said the others, and Lavender sat down with them. She looked sad.

"What's wrong?" asked Ginny.

"Trevor's missing again," said Lavender.

"Don't worry, he'll turn up soon, he always does," said Luna encouragingly.

"But he's been missing for several days now!" clarified Lavender.

"Oh. Sorry," said Lily.

"You could look for a human boyfriend, if you want," suggested Hermione.

"No. No one can match up to Trevor," said Lavender dejectedly.

"Oh. Want some chocolate?" offered Ginny.

"Thank you!" squealed Lavender, taking some. "Cool!"

And then they all bopped their heads up and down for a while, when suddenly there was a gust of wind, and Hermione slid off her trunk, gasping for breath.

"No… tell me I don't have to go!" she moaned, and disappeared.

"That was weird," commented Lavender.

"You don't have to go!" yelled Luna.

"Oh my God, where did she go!" gasped Ginny.

"We need to call in the… DETECTIVES!" said Lily.

"And who are they, Lily?" asked Ginny flatly.

"I dunno," said Lily, shrugging.

"We could try Parvati," suggested Lavender.

As they had no one else to go to, the three heroines agreed, and all four girls Apparated to London, which was where Parvati was living now that she had been taken away from Hogwarts. To their horror, when they came across her, she looked totally different. She had straightened her hair, and had lost a lot of weight, so as to be thin and almost bony. She had on some make-up in varying shades of pink, and was wearing a mini-skirt and a tank top. In one hand she held a mobile phone, which she was texting on, and the other was holding hands with a weird guy.

"Oh… God. I hope that's Padma!" squeaked Lavender. Ginny and Luna just looked horrified.

"Fine, I'll try it, as I don't know them," said Lily. "PADMA!"

"That didn't make sense," muttered Lavender, but Lily was already running towards Padma/Parvati, who looked disgusted.

"omg! im parvati! y do ppl alwys tnk im mi twn?"

"What? I don't understand," said Lily, but Lavender gave a gasp of horror.

"She's been taken over by… textspeak!" she said dramatically. Luna gasped as well, and Ginny, looking pale, ran forward.

"Don't you remember us? From Hogwarts?" she asked. Parvati looked puzzled.

"hogwarts? omg hogwarts! i 4gt hogwarts! it wz so lame, i h8d it! bt hu r u? I dun rembr u! r u, lk, trying 2 kdnap mi o smtin?"

"It's Ginny Weasley!" snapped Ginny. "And this is Luna Lovegood, from Ravenclaw, and your best friend, Lavender Brown! And that's Lily Evans, but you wouldn't know her."

The random guy suddenly pushed the four girls over and yelled, "stp httn on mi gf, u lsbos!"

Parvati looked at them, smugly. Lavender started crying, because Parvati was weird; Lily started crying, because Hermione was gone, and she'd know what to do; even Luna, who was usually not fussed about anything, looked really upset. Ginny just looked angry.

"I always hated you, Parvati!" she shouted. "Well, no, I didn't, but what's gotten into you?"

Lavender then blinked through her tears and realised something. "Oh my God!" she gasped. "Trevor!"

There was a shimmer of light, and the random guy turned into Trevor.

"Thanks for finally recognising me and taking that enchantment off me!" he said, rolling his eyes, as much as a toad can roll his eyes. "Now snog me, my honey-bunch!"

There was another shimmer of light, and Parvati blinked, confused, and normal again.

"Oh my God! Guys! Man, am I glad to see you!" she squealed, and she hugged Lavender, who took a quick break from Trevor-snogging, really tight, and did the same with Ginny.

"Er, hi, Loony, uh, I mean, Luna," she said.

"Oh, she's our friend now. Don't worry," said Ginny. "And this is Lily, also our friend."

"Oh, hi, Lily! And cool! I always liked you really, Luna… but wait. Shouldn't Hermione be here?"

"Glad you finally remembered me!" said Hermione, slightly stressily. This was understandable, as she had been locked in another dimension for 15 minutes.

"Sorry Hermione!" they all yelled, and Parvati gave her an especially tight hug, and the six heroines, as Trevor had hurried back to Hogwarts to stop worrying Neville, walked off.

"So, you're going out with Trevor, Neville's toad, Lavender?" said Parvati uncertainly.

"Uh-huh," replied Lavender. "We're married. I thought I was married to Snape, but it was actually Trevor in disguise."

"Oh. Wow. I have lots of catching up to do," said Parvati. "Any news from you guys?"

"Harry and I broke up, but we're back together," said Ginny.

"kewl, kk," replied Parvati.

"What? Text speak again?" gasped everyone, but then they noticed a slug hanging off of Parvati's arm. "SLUG!" they all yelled, and the slug slithered away.

"Thanks, guys, it was making me weird," said Parvati.

"Oh no! The train!" gasped Hermione, and all six of them hurriedly Apparated back to Hogsmeade station, where their trunks were. The train was there, so they hurried onto it, and soon the trolley person came around, strangely early.

"Oh my God!" said Lily. "Grubbly-Plank is the trolley person!"

"I'm not Grubbly-Plank!" said the trolley person. "I'm Grubby-Pank!" She sneakily did a Memory Charm on our heroines and they all forgot that Grubby-Pank was really Voldemort/Professor Vector, and then Disapparated, her purpose accomplished. You might wonder why she didn't use this opportunity to kill everyone on the train, but Voldemort had no lackeys with him, and was too scared to do it alone.

"So anyway, what's happening with you guys?"

"I made friends with Professor Binns!" said Luna happily.

"Lily was transported here from a different time, about twenty, give or take a couple, years ago," said Hermione, who couldn't think of anything to say about herself.

"I'm in love!" said Lily dreamily. Everyone groaned, except for Parvati who asked her who with. Lily smiled and continued, "Professor Slughorn. He's so nice and lovely, and I want to snog him…"

"Naked snogging?" said Parvati, an evil grin playing on her lips. The others looked completely disgusted.

"No!" yelled Lily. "Geez! You're so sick! Just because I want to snog Slughorn... mmm... what are you guys looking at?"

"Naked snogging?" repeated Parvati.

"No, Parvati, what do you mean?"

Lavender unbent herself, as she had been leaning down. "Sorry, Parvati, but you had this sardine on you."

"So what was all that about naked snogging?" asked Hermione.

"Naked snogging? What are you talking about?"

"It was the sardine," explained Ginny.

"Naked sardines!" yelled Luna.

At this point further conversation became too confusing to record.

* * *

As you can see we kind of lost the plot at the end, there. We didn't know how to end it. Oh well, next chapter coming soon.

**Coming up next time:  
**Mpreg!  
And, erm, Fpreg. Normal pregnancy.  
And surely that's not Ginny wearing all that make-up?

Hepsa and Larka


	7. The Day Everything Was Weird

**7: The Day Everything Was Weird**

Disclaimer: No, we don't own the Harry Potter universe. Yes, we do care.

* * *

It was the summer holidays. Hermione, lying on her bed at home, let out a peaceful sigh in her sleep, and Lily rolled over in the spare bed across the room. She was beginning to wake up. Groggily, she groaned, as it was far too early, and, keeping her eyes tightly shut, because the light was too bright, swung her legs out of bed, started putting on deodorant (all by feel, remember) and got up to get changed. She fell over, because she still had her eyes closed. She opened them, and looked down.

"No. God no. How the hell…? What? No! That's…" she muttered, and went over to the mirror, hoping she was seeing things. But no, the mirror confirmed what she had just seen. She screamed very loudly. Very, _very_ loudly. Hermione let out a huge groan and sat up.

"Hermione! Hermione! I'm heavily pregnant! What the hell do I do!"

"Uh? I must be hearing things, Lily; I thought you just said you were heavily pregnant. And it's too early."

"I'm up, Hermione. Therefore, by definition, it is not too early. And yes, that's what I said. Look!"

Hermione opened her eyes fully, took in Lily's bulging belly, and then looked down at her own, and shrieked, "Lily! Me too!"

The Floo that Hermione had installed in her room suddenly roared to life, and Luna came through, also heavily pregnant.

"Oh God, Luna! You too!" said Hermione, horrified.

"What?" asked Luna.

"You're pregnant!" said Lily.

"Don't be stupid, I'm in my pyjamas!" said Luna.

"Huh?" asked Lily and Hermione.

"It's worse. I'm _bloated_."

"That's not worse, Luna," said Hermione.

"Trust me. It is."

"Why!" said Lily incredulously.

"I want to chat up someone?"

"Was that a question or a statement?"

"A… question. I don't know, it's too early. Moving on, who are the fathers?"

"Luna, I have never _ever_ had sex," said Hermione.

"Really? But you and Ron–"

"ESPECIALLY NOT WITH RON!"

"And I haven't had sex either," said Lily.

Then Hermione's mobile rang, and she put it on speakerphone. It was Ginny. She was yelling, although this was not unusual on the phone, but what she was saying was unusual.

"Guys! Guys! Help! I'm giving birth!"

Everyone gasped.

"OH MY GOD!" shrieked Hermione. "Don't worry, we're coming over!"

Suddenly the Floo Network turned off, emitting a slip of parchment. The three girls crowded around it, which was difficult with their big bellies, and read it.

"Apologies, but the Floo Network is down for maintenance. Please try again later," read Lily.

"How are we going to get there?" gasped Hermione. "I don't know how to get to the Burrow by Muggle means!"

"We could Apparate," suggested Luna, and so the three Apparated off. However, they didn't realise that pregnancy affects Apparition abilities, and ended up at Hogwarts.

"Wha?" said all the teachers, who had been discoing.

"Um… do you know how to get to the Burrow?" asked Lily.

"Wha?" they repeated.

"The Weasleys?" said Hermione tentatively.

"She said Diagon Alley!" yelled Professor Flitwick, and then the teachers hoisted the three girls onto their shoulders and brought them to Diagon Alley, and left.

"Oh, dear God," said Lily despairingly, as they were alone, pregnant, in Diagon Alley.

"Indeed," agreed Hermione sadly.

Suddenly Ginny appeared… although she looked very different. Heavy make-up was on her face, and she was wearing a mini-dress, revealing lots of cleavage and thighs.

"Hey guys," she said, leering at them. "You're looking sexy today…"

"Argh! What happened to you, Ginny?" yelled Luna.

"Ginny?" said the girl, confused. "Oh, right. I'm not Ginny, I'm Ginnay, an AU Ginny who's obsessed with sex."

"Oh. OK, then."

"Ginnay, come back here!" yelled someone who looked like Harry, but only wearing underwear.

"But Happy, dear, I wanted to bring some friends," replied Ginnay, pouting.

"Later, Ginnay."

"Fine," mumbled Ginnay, and then she leapt onto Happy and started kissing him passionately… _very _passionately. Lily, Hermione and Luna turned around and headed to Quality Quidditch Supplies, and bought broomsticks. Despite being pregnant, Lily and Hermione got on their brooms fine, but Luna fell off.

"Oh no! I'm all heavy! I need a harness. I'll be two seconds," she said, and waddled off, leaving Lily and Hermione waiting. Then Ron and Harry, the real Harry, came up with their brooms.

"What's happening to Ginny?" asked Harry, worried.

"She's giving birth," explained Lily.

"OH MY GOD!" gasped Harry. He looked nervously at Ron, but he was too wrapped up in chatting with Hermione to listen to the conversation. "I'm not the father, am I?"

"Nope. It's just randomness," said Lily, and then Luna returned with the harness and the five set off. Suddenly they all simultaneously fell off their brooms, because of a freak gust of wind, and they felt like they were going to die. But then they saw two people on brooms appear on the horizon, it was Ginnay and Happy.

"NYAH! Bad brooms! Bad brooms!" they yelled repeatedly, and the brooms put their people back on, and they continued flying to the Burrow. Suddenly Harry, Ron, Happy and Ginnay screamed.

"What?" asked the three heroines.

"We're all pregnant!" said the other four.

"Even you, Harry, Ron and Happy?" asked Lily.

"Yes!"

"How is that possible?" asked Hermione.

"Mpreg, _duh_," said Ginnay, and then she moaned, "Oh god. No one's going to want me now!"

"We're suffering Mpreg, Ginnay," said Harry. "Your problem is not that bad!"

"And I'll always want you, Ginnay," said Happy, and the two kissed, and, before they could get any further, Lavender appeared in the sky, as a vision.

"Ginny… Ginny…" she said mysteriously.

"What? Windy? Shnah?" said everyone.

"GINNY!" yelled Lavender, irritated.

"OH! Ginny!" gasped the others, and they flew off at top speed, not hearing Lavender mutter resentfully about her lack of thanks. Hermione and Lily landed first and ran up to the Burrow door, and banged on it.

"It's not locked," said Ron, and they burst inside. Fred and George were in the kitchen, raiding the cupboards.

"Fred! George!" everyone shouted. "Where's Ginny?"

"She's –"

"Not –"

"Here –"

"Right –"

"Now –"

"But –"

"Please –"

"Leave –"

"A –"

"Message –"

"After –"

"The –"

"Beep!"

"Where is she, then?" demanded Hermione angrily.

"She's at our Muggle accountant cousins'."

"Why?" asked Ron, bewildered.

"Because she is. Now leave!"

They all flew off. The twins decided they would find out what was going on, so they picked up Hermione's mobile, which she had dropped, and pressed a button to phone Ginny, but instead accidentally called Professor McGonagall.

"Hello, Minnie, love kitty supreme, here –"

The twins screamed and hung up. They then really phoned Ginny.

"What's –

"Up –"

"Gin-Gin?"

"I'm having a baby," said Ginny.

"Who's –"

"The –"

"Father?"

"No one. It's randomness."

"Oh," said the twins simultaneously, and hung up.

Meanwhile, Luna, Hermione, Lily, Ron, Harry, Happy and Ginnay had zoomed to the Muggle accountant cousins' house. They entered the house, greatly confusing said cousins, and ran upstairs to the bedroom, where Ginny was. They then entered the room, and Ginny lay there, panting.

"Geez! Hurry up next time!" said Ginny angrily, and the seven hoisted Ginny onto their brooms, and brought her to Hogwarts, where they once again interrupted the teachers' disco, and found Ghost!Dumbledore.

"Ghost!Dumbledore! We're all pregnant! Help us!"

"How about some music?" suggested Ghost!Dumbledore, ignoring them. "I picked up this nice little ditty when trying to convince Mrs. Patil to let her daughters come back to Hogwarts."

The eight heroines/heroes rolled their eyes, and forced smiles upon their faces.

"Naked snogging, naked snogging, Lav and Pav and Padma all like naked snogging! Naked snogging! All the girls around the world like naked snogging! Naked snogging! All the girls want me to do some naked snogging!"

Ghost!Dumbledore sadly dropped the jazz hands at the look on all their faces.

"Please help us, Ghost!Dumbledore," begged Ginny. Ghost!Dumbledore sighed.

"Only if you let me sing the naked snogging song again," he said.

"Deal," said Ginnay irritably. "Now get us back to normal!"

"Yay!" said Ghost!Dumbledore, and then their bloated/pregnant bellies all disappeared, and Ginny stopped giving birth. The eight heroines/heroes looked at themselves approvingly.

"How did you do that?" asked Hermione.

"I'm Ghost!Dumbledore."

"Um… how did you do that?" repeated Hermione.

"I'm Ghost!Dumbledore, I told you! What other explanation do you need?"

"Fair enough," said Hermione, and she went to talk to Ron. Harry and Ginny were snogging, as were Happy and Ginnay.

"All's well that ends well," said Luna cheesily.

"Be quiet, Luna!" said Lily. "Ghost!Dumbledore's singing!"

And so the two watched Ghost!Dumbledore sing the naked snogging song.

* * *

**Coming up next time:**

A lead on Draco Malfoy!  
Why is Crookshanks talking?  
Who is Parvati's mysterious boyfriend?

Hepsa and Larka


	8. Slugs and the havoc they cause

**8: Slugs and the havoc they cause **

Disclaimer: We own the random slugs. And also, she helped to sculpt Frenchy's character. Who's Frenchy? Ah, now that is the question!

**----**

It was a cool, summer's day. Nothing much had really been happening. Voldemort was still weird, Lily pined for Professor Slughorn, Harry and Ginny met up and snogged, Hermione and Luna bonded over tea and crumpets… all was good. At the moment, Luna, Hermione, Lily, Ginny, Lavender and Parvati were resting on a random front porch, licking their ice creams, all trying (and failing miserably) to get a tan.

"Get off my front porch you rascally children!" yelled a voice, which happened to belong to Professor McGonagall.

"Oh, Merlin's beard!" the six heroines cursed.

"We chose the wrong house," said Ginny sadly.

"Oh, yes, funny that," said Parvati, laughing nervously.

"What?"

"Well, you see, I like following Her and watching Her. She's fascinating. I know every detail of Her life. Nyah!" exclaimed Parvati.

"OK… right," said the others.

"Anyway, Lavender, you had something important to say?" said Hermione, desperately changing the subject.

"Yes, what is it, Lavender?" asked Lily.

"Well, as you know, I'm going out with Trevor," said Lavender.

"Really? We never would have guessed," muttered Ginny sarcastically.

"And you also know that I'm a Hogwarts student," continued Lavender. Everyone rolled their eyes, and were going to ignore her, when she burst out with, "But what you don't know is that I am also a secret agent, in league with Grubby-Pank, and I have been informed that I must arrest you all!"

"Er, Lav, there's a slug hanging off you," said Parvati, picking it off. "So, what were you saying?"

"Hmm?" said Lavender, looking confused, and licking her ice cream. "Oh, nothing special, just how I like this ice-cream." Her eyes suddenly widened, and, panic-stricken, she gasped, "Oh god! No! Guys, hide behind me! I'm trained in stuff like this! That thing could kill you!"

"Uh?" said Luna.

"Wa?" said Parvati.

"Bah?" said Ginny.

"Huh?" said Hermione.

"Quoi?" said Lily, flicking through a Learning French guide.

"I dunno," said Lavender, picking a beetle out of her hair. "Geez, all these random creatures keep getting on me. So strange."

"Indeed," said Luna.

"It seems so," said Ginny.

"Yeah, yeah," said Parvati.

"Highly worrying," said Hermione.

"Très, très bizarre!" said Lily.

"You guys are freaking me out," said Lavender. "OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Oh, geez, _another_ beetle," said Luna, picking it off.

"Spider… er… araignée?" contributed Lily.

"Several ants," pointed out Ginny.

"A slug!" exclaimed Parvati.

"And a Slug_horn_… the scariest of all creatures!" said Hermione.

Sure enough, Slughorn was hanging off Lavender. He saw them and disappeared. Lily sighed sadly, and then Hermione suddenly saw something behind her.

"NO!" she screamed, pushing Lily to the ground.

It was Professor Slughorn again, and knowing, as you do, the plotline, you understand why Hermione was scared. Hermione was a brave, kind and clever girl, but if there was one thing she could NOT stand (other than elf mistreatment, Voldemort, Umbridge, etc.), it was pupil/teacher relationships. Lily, on the ground, sighed sadly again, and fell asleep, because it was warm, and she was leaning on something soft, which grunted in surprise at this sudden leaning on of girlness, and tried to get out. Hermione, meanwhile, was watching this thoughtfully, Ginny with amusement, Luna with nonchalance, Parvati was watching McGonagall's house, and Lavender, well, she was thinking about Trevor, so it doesn't matter. This tableau was still, apart from the moving, wriggling person, until suddenly Parvati's head snapped around to look at him, and she started yelling at Lily.

"i nu u wrnt a rl m8! u wer cheatn w mi boi! I h8 u!"

"Firstly, Lily's asleep, and can't hear you, and secondly, what's happening?" said Luna.

"goway luna u nt mi m8!"

"Parvati, stop it!" yelled Ginny. "This is getting ridiculous! Who is he anyway?"

The boy wriggled some more and threw Lily off, and the others managed to see he was the random guy from Beauxbatons who took Parvati off to dance at the Yule Ball.

"mi pav!" he yelled.

"mi French-guy-from-Yule-Ball!" replied Parvati, and they started kissing, or rather, _licking_ each other.

"That's so gross," said Hermione with distaste. "Stop it!" Suddenly she spotted the slug slithering down Parvati's leg, and picked it off. Parvati suddenly pushed the French guy (Frenchy) away.

"Urgh! You were licking me! Get away!"

"pavi i luv u!"

"GO AWAY!"

"no i dun wanna!"

"GO AWAY!" yelled the five heroines together, and, finally, Frenchy was forcibly Disapparated by their yells. Everyone was happy, until they saw something appearing where Frenchy had been. Everyone shrieked and pointed, until they saw it was a Frenchy clone, except this Frenchy was nice.

"Hi Parvati! I'm… er… Frenchy. Would you like to come and see a movie with me?" he said.

Checking that there were no bufs on either her or Frenchy Clone, Parvati accepted, and they walked to the garden gate, where they waved, walked out, and went down towards a cinema. Suddenly, Lily woke up.

"I was having the most wonderful dream!" she said, enthused, and then paused and looked around. "But perhaps now is not the time. Where's Parvati?"

Hermione sighed, rolled her eyes and told Lily what had happened while she had been asleep.

"Oh! Cool!" said Lily, and they did the head-bopping thing. Luna and Ginny rolled their eyes, and then Lily and Hermione started dancing the salsa, in seriously cool salsa costumes, with Slughorn and Ron as the males of their choosing, while singing in Spanish. But then Luna and Ginny started waltzing, which was weird, and Lavender started line-dancing by herself, which was even weirder, so they all invited Professor McGonagall to join in, which she did, in a cowgirl outfit, with a very low-cut V, which grossed everyone out, so they didn't look.

Then Parvati came running up the street, tears running down her face in great quantities.

"Frenchy Clone is a git, he broke up with me!"

"Oh no, why?" asked Lavender, going over to her and putting a comforting arm around her.

"I don't know. He just… did!"

"Oh, you poor, poor thing," cooed McGonagall. Suddenly a fresh wave of tears burst forth.

"What's wrong?" asked Hermione. Parvati started sobbing uncontrollably.

"I think this calls for desperate measures," Lily said to the others.

"Don't worry, Parvati, remember this message and take comfort in knowing," chorused everyone, except for Parvati and McGonagall, "somebody out there cares about you, and always will!"

"Thanks, guys," said Parvati, cheered up. "But… UGH! It's just… UGH!"

"What?" asked Ginny, losing patience slightly.

"McGonagall looks so disgusting!" she squeaked. Professor McGonagall was deeply offended, and stormed back into her house.

"Oh," said everyone. "We didn't really know, as we didn't look."

Anyway, then Crookshanks appeared, and said, in a strange voice, "Hey everyone. How are you today?"

"What the hell?" said everyone.

"What's up? Why are you all confused, guys?" asked Crookshanks.

"You're a talking cat!" said Hermione.

"Oh never mind that, let's just be friends!"

"Cool!" said Luna, and everyone, including Crookshanks, did the head-bopping thing, until they all saw someone they had hoped they wouldn't see: Frenchy Clone.

"Aaaaaargh!" everyone yelled. "We hate you! You're evil! Or at least irritating!"

"And you broke my heart, Frenchy, you broke my heart!" yelled Parvati passionately.

"Yes, I know," he replied, in a very smooth, yet oily way. "But I'm also very sexy, right?"

Parvati looked like she was going to say 'Yep', but Lily trod on her foot, and they all yelled, "God NO!"

They had successfully deflated his ego, and were about to forget about him and let him wreak havoc on the general world, when Hermione went up to him, and took out a pin.

"This won't hurt a bit… well, it will, but not _very _much," she said, and stuck the pin in him. He deflated, like a badly inflated balloon. "I worked out that because he was such an air-head, he must be made of air. So I deflated him!" explained Hermione, and everyone cheered.

Suddenly, Frenchy Clone began flickering. When he stopped, they all gasped at who they saw. It was Draco Malfoy!

"Oh my God!" gasped Parvati. "I was dating Malfoy!"

"Why were you dating Parvati, Malfoy?" asked Ginny suspiciously.

"Was it because you always liked her really? That would be so romantic!" said Luna, sighing happily.

"No! It was because I wanted her to give me information that I could give to the Dark Lord, so that I wouldn't be executed," said Draco despondently.

"Woah!" said Crookshanks. "That was too deep for this story! Let's go with the 'I always liked her really' idea!"

"Yay! That's so romantic!" yelled everyone, and Parvati snogged him.

"No!" yelled Draco, pushing her away. "That's not right!"

"Aw… shy, are we?" said Lavender, elbowing him painfully.

"It's so cute!" squealed Lily.

"No! I wanted information!" yelled Draco.

"That's nice, Malfoy," said Hermione, patting him on the head condescendingly. He growled and Disapparated, and the six heroines squee-ed over his love for Parvati for a long time.

---

**Coming up next time: **

magic-joint-telepathic-powers™!  
The reappearance of Voldemort!  
And a Voldemort-illoooooooosion!

Hepsa and Larka


	9. Going to Petunia's or not

**9: Going to Petunia's… or rather, _not_ going to Petunia's**

It was the week before seventh year started. Harry had decided that he did want to go back to school after all, because he had no idea what to do about the Horcruxes, and also because at Hogwarts he could ask Ghost!Dumbledore and various random people about them, so it would be more productive to return. Hermione was pleased, as it meant she could do her NEWTs, but, at the moment, she didn't have to worry about that. Lily was taking Hermione, Ginny and Luna to visit her sister, Petunia.

"Don't go!" Harry had advised. "She'll be freaked out, and she hates you, and magic. And also, it's weird."

"It'll be fine!" Lily had protested, and so now the four were setting off, on a bus, to go there. Ginny was talking animatedly to Harry on Hermione's ever-useful mobile, and Luna, Lily and Hermione were making silly lists about guys.

"OK, so who would be the grossest guys ever to go out with?" asked Lily, taking the pen away from Hermione and turning a page of her friend's notebook.

"Ooh! Ooh! _Hagrid_!" said Hermione.

"Hagrid would be gross," agreed Lily.

"What's wrong with Hagrid? Hagrid's nice!" said Luna.

"What? Please tell me you don't like Hagrid!" said the other two.

"N-no… I just don't think you should be so quick to condemn him, that's all," said Luna, blushing. Luckily for her, Hermione and Lily didn't notice and returned to stooping over the notebook.

"Well, I suppose he's no grosser than Slughorn," contributed Hermione, and Lily hit her lightly. While they were distracted, Luna sighed sadly, because she had a deep and burning passion for Hagrid, and knew he would never love her. Suddenly they heard weird noises from the seat behind them, and turned to look. It was Umbridge and Voldemort (in drag), making out.

"Why are you in drag?" demanded Hermione.

"And – wait a second, Harry - isn't that, like, completely ripped off that other random story, by Megx?" said Ginny.

"Yes, well, I always wear drag, for example when I'm in disguise as Professor Vector," said Voldemort. "And anyway, when this was first written, the authors hadn't read it."

"I suppose," said Luna. "Then continue."

Suddenly they spotted two horrified faces in the seat opposite Voldemort (in drag) and Umbridge. It was Lavender and Trevor, who were hiding in Lily's handbag, which they had expanded, with their eyes peering out, watching the snoggers.

"Lavender! Trevor!" greeted Lily.

"Hey!" squealed everyone else. Alarmed by this, Umbridge and Voldemort (in drag) Disapparated. Unfortunately, they weren't very good at Disapparating, so they landed on the bus driver, who, not able to see where he was going, swerved into a van. All the random passengers rushed off, and went, grumbling, to a different bus stop, while the bus driver, the four heroines, Lavender, Trevor, Umbridge and Voldemort (in drag) went over to the van.

"I'm sorry I banged into you!" said the bus driver. "I'll pay for any damages!"

"It's quite all right, there aren't any!" said a familiar voice. It was Slughorn, and he was standing up, out of the window, as the van was knocked over. "Your bus looks in pretty bad shape though." He gestured to the smoking rubble on the ground nearby. "Want to come with us?"

"OK!" said everyone, and they turned the van the right way up, and everyone piled inside and on top. It turned out that all the Hogwarts professors were in there, singing 'We're all going on a summer holiday'. Everyone joined in, and then they had an encore. Any couples (Lavender and Trevor, Umbridge and Voldemort (in drag) and Professors Anderson and Arthur) started snogging when it was over, and Lily, rifling through her bag, yelled, "Hey! Where's my five pound note?"

Suddenly Ginny gave a squeal of happiness, and ran over to Harry, who had just appeared.

"Harry-poos!" she yelled.

"Gingingin-nynyny-evraevraevra!" he yelled in reply.

"You really need a shorter pet name for me, and besides, I hate the name Ginevra," commented Ginny, but then they started snogging as well, so she didn't care anymore.

"STOP IT!" yelled Lily, Hermione and Luna. "It's depressing for us!" Luna glanced at Hagrid, and Lily at Slughorn, and Hermione thought of Ron. She shook this thought out of her head, and then dimly registered Ginny yelling at them.

"If you don't like it, go away!" she yelled, and she pushed Luna, Lily, Hermione and the random bus driver, just for the sake of it, away from her. Unfortunately, they fell off of the van, and landed in the road. Sadly, they started walking toward Petunia's, on the pavement, when the van turned back and stopped in front of them.

"Sorry-poos!" squealed Ginny. "Come with us!"

"Where are you going?" asked Luna.

"France!"

"What about Petunia?" demanded Lily.

"Let's go to France instead!" said the bus driver. Lily still looked uncertain, so Hermione, Luna and the bus driver started convincing her. Ginny and Harry soon got bored, and started talking to each other.

"I thought of a new pet name for you. How do you like Gin-gin-poos?"

"Eh, it'll do."

"Come on already!" yelled the professors. "We're getting cold!"

Lily, Hermione, Luna, Ginny, Harry and the bus driver turned to them and realised, in horror, that they were wearing bikinis or speedos, depending on gender. They all goggled at them in morbid fascination, not noticing the van starting to move, until there was a sudden gust of wind. Ginny, Harry, Luna and Hermione managed to hold onto something, but Lily, who had accidentally spotted McGonagall in a bikini, and was too shocked and disgusted to move, and the bus driver, who has no further purpose in this story, blew away.

"Lily!" shrieked Hermione, and she grabbed Harry's broomstick, which he was conveniently holding, and flew off. The van was on a motorway, and going 3984 miles per hour, so it was a long distance to Lily, but Hermione finally spotted her, in a field. Hermione waved at her, but Lily was too wrapped up in looking at something on the ground. Hermione lost concentration and banged into a tree. Lily ran over, worried, to her friend, who was lying, dizzy, on the ground.

"Oh, no! Hermione, are you OK?" asked Lily.

"I'm fine, but Harry's Firebolt snapped," said Hermione, holding up the pieces of broom, and looking at the tree, which was a Whomping Willow. "What's that you're holding?"

"I don't know. It's weird."

She showed it to Hermione, who gasped.

"Oh my God!" she said. "That's a Horcrux!"

"What?" said Lily. Hermione quickly explained what they were, and Lily nodded wisely.

"But never mind that," said Hermione dejectedly, once she had explained. "We're stuck on a random motorway, and we don't know how to get back to the van, or where we are!"

"I know!" said Lily. "We can use this Horcrux to kill part of Voldemort!"

"How will that help us find the van?"

"It won't! We'll have to use our magic-joint-telepathic-powers™ to find it!"

"We have magic-joint-telepathic-powers™?"

"No, well, yes, _now_ we do. Never mind how, Hermione, they're an author's tool. Let's use 'em!"

"Sure, whatever."

They destroyed the Horcrux and used their magic-joint-telepathic-powers™ to get themselves back onto the van, where everyone was singing 'We're all going on a summer holiday' again, and Voldemort (in drag) was doing a strip show. Hermione and Lily looked on, confused, but then shrugged at each other and joined in (singing, not stripping). Suddenly, they noticed someone come up behind them. It was Grubby-Pank.

"Huh?" said Luna, who had come up to them as well, with Ginny and Harry. "Aren't you over there being Voldemort (in drag)?"

"I thought I wiped your memory! You're not supposed to know I'm Voldemort!" said Grubby-Pank.

"We remembered. It wasn't a very good memory charm," said Ginny.

"So, answer our question," said Harry.

"I'm a illusion over there," explained Grubby-Pank, in a freaky voice so that it sounded sort of like 'illoooosion'.

"OK…" said everyone, and then Lily and Hermione grabbed the pieces of Harry's Firebolt and knocked Grubby-Pank out.

"Hey! That's my Firebolt!" said Harry, outraged.

"It's a small price to pay for a Horcrux, Harry," said Hermione wisely.

"What?"

"We destroyed one," explained Lily. "Using our _minds_. Muhahaha!"

"Oh… _Horcruxes_! Damn! I knew I was meant to be doing something!" gasped Harry, and he Disapparated (he was good at it, unlike Umbridge and Voldemort-(in-drag)-illoooosion).

"Harry-poos! No!" yelled Ginny, but he was already gone. She pouted and sat down sadly. There was silence for a while, apart from the random professors making noise, but they didn't count, when Lily went up to Lavender and Trevor, who were still snogging after all this time (and seriously out of breath), and said, "So… what did happen to my five pound note?"

* * *

**Coming up next time:**

Luna gets knocked out!

Voldemort in drag appears again!

And where is Ginny through all of this?

Hepsa and Larka


	10. The Last Day of the Summer Holidays

**10: The Last Day Of The Summer Holidays**

This chapter is short, and random, but we needed a bridge between later, better chapters.

* * *

It was the last day of the summer holidays. The four heroines were round at the Burrow, freaking out because of it being the last day of the summer holidays. Not only was this bad simply from a 'Oh-no-we-have-to-go-back-to-school' point of view, but none of them, not even Hermione, had done their holiday homework.

"NOOO!" yelled Hermione. "NOW I'M GOING TO FAIL MY NEWTS! ARGH!"

"ME TOO!" screamed Lily, and they clutched each other and yelled some more.

"Calm down, guys, it's all cool," said a smooth, slimy voice, cutting in on their ramblings. It was Ginny, in all her slimy glory.

"Why are you so slimy sounding?" asked Luna.

"I don't know. Yesterday evening, met this weird child, and got all covered in random bugs that almost made me break up with Harry! And now I sound all slimy… and cool.

"OK. That's weird," said Hermione. "Anyway, what _are_ we going to do about our homework?"

Suddenly Luna let out a huge scream, practically deafening the others. She, while rifling through her trunk, which was at the Burrow as they were all sleeping over, had realised that the little homework she'd done was on fire.

"NO!" she yelled. "I want my daddy!"

She Apparated home. Alarmed, the other three followed her, and ran upstairs to her room to find her lying on the floor, unconscious, with the culprit standing over her.

"Slughorn!" gasped Ginny, pointing an accusing finger at him. "You knocked out Luna!"

"She was like that when I got here! It was Grubby-Pank and Umbridge!"

"VOLDEMORT IN DRAG!" everyone shouted, including Grubby-Pank, Umbridge and Slughorn, before coughing embarrassed.

"Anyway, Grubby-Pank, why did you knock me out?" asked Luna, who had woken up when she heard the words 'Voldemort in drag'.

"Oh, I needed your brains and soul for an experiment, but I decided to use the brains and souls of the bugs that were on Ginny instead."

"Yeah, now I sound normal, and… I want to snog Harry!" exclaimed Ginny. Lily and Hermione rolled their eyes at each other and decided to check if this was true using their magic-joint-telepathic-powers™, and when they tried it, they saw that it wasn't really Ginny at all, but McGonagall in disguise as her.

When she realised that they had found this out, she switched her costume into a cowgirl costume and started doing the Cotton-Eyed-Joe dance with Voldemort in drag. Then Luna's dad came in and turned off the music because he couldn't concentrate on writing the next article for the Quibbler (The Phenomenon of Duck Animagi), so Voldemort in drag and McGonagall Disapparated, arriving in the room where Luna's dad was working, and danced there.

Luna, Lily and Hermione had left by then, because they needed to find the real Ginny, so they went to the Room of Requirement, because its cool, wished to find Ginny, and a door appeared. Ginny was there, in a McGonagall costume, reading Harry/Ginny fics on fanfiction on her laptop.

"Isn't this so sweet?" said Ginny, gesturing them over to see a fic filled with disgustingly cliché sappy purple prose.

"No," said Luna, Lily and Hermione, "And take off that McGonagall costume!"

So Ginny took off the McGonagall costume and started singing "Seventh year! Seventh year! Your final year! Sixth year! Sixth year! Nearly my final year!" to no particular tune. Luna, Lily and Hermione bound and gagged Ginny to shut her up, and were dragging her back to the train station when suddenly they found that they had appeared in a terrible place.

It was the land of tunelessness, which Ginny's head had been unexplainably linked to, which was why she was singing so tunelessly. Unfortunately, when you are in the land of tunelessness, anything tuneless sounds fine, which explains The Tweenies, The Fast Food Rockers, and Bob the Builder being on the radio. They then realised that they could use this to their advantage. They took bits of the land of tunelessness, to sell on the black market, and used their magic-joint-telepathic-powers™ to get back to England, and The Burrow.

"AAAAAAAAAARGH!' screamed Luna. 'WE SHOULD BE ON THE TRAIN!"

"Don't be silly!" said Lily. "It's the day before school starts!"

Hermione looked at Lily's watch.

"Crap, Lily, she's right. We should be!"

"Ummmmm… perhaps these bits of tunelessness will make them believe our excuses and not punish us?"

"No. Not happening."

"Crap."

Their lives and this story seemed DOOMED to DOOM, when suddenly Hermione realised she was reading Lily's watch upside-down, because she had forgotten her own. They looked around in confusion, and saw the moon in the sky.

"Huh?" said everyone.

"Oh wait, that makes sense, it is 03.01 after all," said Arthur Weasley, coming into the room, and then leaving again.

"Well, although we don't have to be at school, we should be sleeping," said Luna.

"Since when did you become such a sleeper, Luna?" asked Hermione, but she was interrupted by Ginny singing, still tunelessly "Oh, who cares? Who cares? Who cares who cares who cares?"

Hermione and Lily used their magic-joint-telepathic-powers™ to send her back to the land of tunelessness until school started. So the other three went to bed and Ginny spent the night singing 'Call On Me' and the Crazy Frog song.

* * *

**Coming up next time:**

The Jelly Is Good Crossover (it had to happen sometime)!

The return of the slugs!

Aaaaanddd… who is who again?

Hepsa and Larka


	11. The Jelly Is Good Crossover

**11: The Jelly Is Good Crossover**

Disclaimer: Suzie, Sarah and Caroline do belong to us, in a highly wootful way.

AN: You may skip this chapter if you like. It's a crossover with our other fic, Jelly Is Good. It's a Lily/James, and we, although seeing as we wrote it, that's not saying much, like it a lot. However, you don't _really_ need to read it to get this chapter. However, we like shamelessly advertising our fic, so hopefully you'll go and read it: it's not as weird as this one!

* * *

Hermione, Ginny, Lily and Luna were sitting in their Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson. Well, Hermione and Lily were; Ginny and Luna were sitting in the seventh year lesson as opposed to the sixth-year one, simply for convenience. They were listening, bored, to Professor Umbridge, their substitute teacher, as Ghost!Dumbledore, being incompetent, had not yet found a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, and so the Ministry had stepped in. Professor Umbridge, in an attempt to block out the never ending centaur noises in her head, had taken up a habit of yelling instead of speaking (and breaking people's eardrums instead of yelling). However, by now the class were all used to it, and were ignoring her.

"This is boring," commented Luna.

"Go back to our lesson, then," said Ginny.

"I shall," said Luna, so she got up to go when she found that, blocking her way, was a giant slug. It touched her, and she went weird.

'I love fluffy pink bunnies and cute, cute, cute fluffy cute things!' she sang, and she skipped around, throwing random pretty flowers at people. The slug smiled, as only a slug can, and touched Ginny. Ginny sang love songs slimily to Professor Flitwick, wearing a slutty red dress, with lots of cleavage and thigh showing, and I mean _lots_ of cleavage and thigh. She was singing in all her slimy glory as Professor Flitwick got redder and redder until he exploded. Ginny pouted and sat down again, her robes reappearing on her. Then Harry, who had been watching the entire thing, suddenly gave a strangled gasp and his eyes popped out of his head. Hermione and Lily rolled their eyes and sent him to the Hospital Wing, clutching his severed eyes.

The slug then touched Hermione and Lily, but they were prepared, knowing what might happen. They held tight to each other, and this meant that the slug turned them into Jelly Is Good characters – Lily was Lily, and Hermione was Sarah. They both screamed loudly, even Lily, although she didn't change. Luna skipped over to the slug, and turned into Suzie, and Ginny spontaneously turned into… Sirius.

"AH!" yelled Hermione/Sarah, Luna/Suzie and Lily/Lily. Professor Umbridge coughed loudly, and everyone, including the slug, sat down and shut up.

"What's wrong?" whispered Ginny/Sirius.

"You're… BLACK!" gasped Luna/Suzie.

"No need to be racist!" snapped Ginny/Sirius.

"No!" said the slug, rolling its eyes, "You're Black! Sirius Black!"

Ginny/Sirius looked down at herself/himself and smirked, but then she/he was changed by the slug into Caroline, and so she pouted again. Anyway, Luna/Suzie was more interested in the lesson now, so she decided to stay. They all randomly swapped seats and hummed quietly, until Professor Umbridge changed into hot pants and a bikini top, which _really_ didn't suit her, and sang 'I Will Survive'. The four heroines looked away, disgusted, and saw Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and James Potter entering the room, aged 16/17/nearly 18 according. The four couples began snogging.

Professor Umbridge was too busy singing to notice these cute pairings, but the rest of the class did, and were _obviously_ very jealous, especially Pansy Parkinson. She looked like she was going to intrude, so the slug sat on her. This was very gross, as the slug was so heavy that Pansy popped, and sprayed lard and fat all over the place. With a wave of her wand, Hermione/Sarah cleaned it up, while still snogging Remus Lupin. However, it didn't work, and the lard and fat instead clung to the slug, and combined with him to create an evil slug, known as a Giant Super Pansy Slug, (GSPS) which ate Peter and Luna/Suzie.

The other six held onto each other tightly in a big glump of people. The slug was approaching slowly because it kept stopping to eat people (RIP Dean, Ernie, Hannah). This was good and bad: it was bad because the slug was expanding, but good because it gave them time to think of a plan.

"Here's what we'll do," said Ginny/Caroline, "We'll jump out the window!"

"How will that help? We'll die!" snapped Hermione/Sarah.

"Look! It's the boys' brooms!" pointed out Lily/Lily, so they jumped out.

The girls landed on the brooms, but the boys missed, and were still falling, so the girls flew over to them, even Hermione, and caught them. They brought the brooms to a halt, and hovered, snogging the boys madly.

"Hurry the &# up!" yelled Luna/Suzie and Peter, who were still alive within the slug.

Our six heroes/heroines zoomed in, grabbed them, and flew out again. They flew over the grounds, and the slug tried to follow them, but fell and splatted heavily on the tennis courts. This seemed like great news until they realised it had landed on someone. It caused great distress to everyone, until they saw who it was when the person scrambled out of the slug-ooze.

"It's Professor Grubbly-Plank!" commented Ginny/Caroline.

"No! It is me! Professor Grubby-Pank!" yelled Professor Grubbly-Plank, but no one was convinced, as it was obvious it was simply Professor Grubbly-Plank.

"Sure, whatever," said everyone sarcastically, and so Professor Grubbly-Plank got mad, and used her special brand of magic-telepathic-powers to banish the boys back to the time they belonged. She nearly banished Lily/Lily too, but she managed to hold onto Hermione/Sarah and Ginny/Caroline tight enough that she didn't blow away. Then Professor Grubbly-Plank Vanished the slug, and this cancelled the slug's effects, and so Lily/Lily, Hermione/Sarah, Ginny/Caroline and Luna/Suzie simply became Lily, Hermione, Ginny and Luna again.

"How boring," sighed Luna, seeing this, "I'm going to my real lesson."

And she did. However, she suddenly fell over.

"Luna!" shouted everyone in the classroom.

"I'm injured," whimpered Luna. "From being eaten."

"Oh no!" chorused everyone, and the heroines Apparated to the Hospital Wing, where there was a random nurse who wasn't Madam Pomfrey.

"Heal Luna!" yelled Ginny, Hermione, Luna and Professor Umbridge, who was back to life, and had accidentally gone with them.

"Hey, hey," said Luna. "I'm Luna! If you make a sandwich, I like tuna!"

"We know," said Hermione and Lily flatly.

"Oh," said Luna, and she fell asleep.

"That's _such_ a tune!' yelled Ginny, swaying to a tune only she could hear.

"But there's NO **_MUSIC_**!" yelled Professor Umbridge, louder.

"Oh my God, let's find a cure!" yelled the nurse. "Her yelling disease could be fatal!"

"Nah, she's just drowning out the ever-continuing sound of centaur's hooves in her head," said Hermione.

"Oh," said the nurse. Everyone bopped their heads up and down until the nurse went psycho and killed Professor Umbridge. She went sane again and smiled, before saying, "That got rid of her! She was really annoying me."

Lily looked at her, annoyed.

"You didn't have to have her for Defence Against the Dark Arts, even!"

Then the nurse, who was very nice, healed Luna her magic-healing-powers™, and they all went back to Defence Against the Dark Arts. Lily and Hermione glanced at each other; there was something fishy about the nurse. They used their magic-joint-telepathic-powers™ to put the nurse in a different outfit, and then screamed.

"AAAARGH!" they yelled in unison. "IT'S MCGONAGALL!"

"Actually," said the nurse. "I am Professor Minerva Something McGonagall."

They screamed again. While they were screaming, Parvati turned up, ready to continue stalking McGonagall. She took out a syringe-thingie and tried to attack McGonagall, to get a blood sample. Lily and Hermione quickly used their magic-joint-telepathic-powers™ to stop her, but as well they accidentally changed Luna's name to Lavender, and Lavender's name to Luna.

"Which one is Luna?" said Lily.

"I'm Lavender!" volunteered Luna.

"But you're Lavender!" pointed out Hermione, and, in the confusion, Lavender disappeared, and the problem was gone, as Luna remembered who she was.

"YAY!" said everyone, except Ginny, who mumbled, because everyone had forgotten,

"It's my birthday…"

"What?" said Parvati, on behalf of everyone. "It's not your birthday! Your birthday's in August!"

"And?" said Ginny. "I'm allowed to have two birthdays, like the Queen!"

"You know about the Queen?" asked Hermione and Lily.

"Yes. I'm magical, not stupid!"

Then they all danced, and McGonagall put on her cowgirl outfit, which made even Parvati retch. The 'Cotton-eyed Joe' song was on, so they did the dance: Hermione and Lily, Ginny and Luna, Parvati and McGonagall. Then Professor Umbridge put herself back together, or whatever it was; she came back to life, and danced with McGonagall, because Parvati had to go and throw up. Suddenly there was a scream; it had been Luna, because she had wandered off and ran into Snape and Lavender snogging. And above-the-waist touching. And below-the-waist touching.

Then something happened, and Lily and Hermione realised the meaning of life, so they decided to find their true loves, which was easy, as they were suddenly so clever. Lily cried because her true love was Trevor, who was in love with Lavender (he had been in his Snape disguise again). Hermione cried because her true love was already dead, but then Ginny pulled slugs off them, and they forgot the meaning of life and stuff, because it was all a slug-induced lie anyway.

* * *

**Coming up next time:**

Extra long edition! Woot!

The exciting Chudley Cannons vs. Pride of Portree Quidditch match!

Lily makes another attempt at going to the Dursleys'!

And just what is the 1st Chaser plotting?

Hepsa and Larka


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